Repatriation: Month One

I am big on milestones and anniversaries. One day, one week, one month, 6 months, one year, etc. I don't always recognize the day, but I often have a funny feeling and if I take a minute, I realize it is an anniversary to mark something. Tomorrow is the 28th of April. One month ago tomorrow I was finishing my last day at a job I loved in a country I loved living in. My kids had their last day at a school they loved. We said goodbye to friends we loved.
Repatriation is a process. Here is where I have been so far in this first month:

Pure exhaustion. After all of the packing and repacking and mailing and donating and sorting and selling and coordinating, I was completely exhausted. Mentally and physically. I can't say I ENJOYED the flight home, but it did force me to STOP.
Foreigner in my own land. Over the last 4 years, I have been homesick for Utah A LOT. I wasn't completely against moving back and looked forward to giving our house TLC and being closer to family. However, after being away for 4 years, I have changed. Chris and the kidlets have changed. This place has changed. I got lost driving in the first few weeks.  When I went to get some necessities at a superstore, I was overwhelmed with the size and options and actually left empty handed several times. I needed a slower entrance into this land of over-freaking-whelming-excess.
Creating our new "old" life. About two weeks in, I was up late one night reflecting on our situation. By this time, we had gone through some major unplanned expenses, Chris had been offered and accepted a new job, Augi decided she wants to begin school immediately, Emmett's behavior had slowly deteriorated to juvenile delinquent level, we purchased a car, and were officially moved in to our house. For the first time, I realized I was unpacking and placing things back in the same spots they lived 4 years ago. I felt incredibly depressed. I realized that we aren't going back to England. We might never see some of the amazing people we met again. The excitement of the next adventure fizzled away.  I was only able to feel that the last four years was a dream and didn't move us forward one bit. A few months ago I felt like we had the entire world open to us. Suddenly I felt as if we have no options. This was definitely my darkest moment.
Redefining. Chris is going to return to work now, I am going to return part time in the fall. I am making dinner and grocery shopping, and I will be responsible for the home stuff for a few months. I have never considered myself a good homemaker, and I was grateful to Christian for all he did to run the house while I worked. I am excited about the opportunity for just a few months. Isn't everyone? Maybe not. I found myself getting really frustrated with Em. He has been incredibly, uncharacteristically, naughty. I knew on a logical level that he is stressed, but this didn't stop me from wanting to duct tape him to the wall. Last night he explained that he has had absolutely no say in this move. (actually, he told me he wants to be the boss of something). He wouldn't have chosen to leave his best friend had anyone bothered to ask. This land is completely foreign to him. I am home and bossing him around. His dad is busy repairing the house and getting ready to be gone all day. His mom is busy burning food and forgetting to make a shopping list then leaving the store with nothing because she can't make a decision on which corn chips to buy. Augi is suddenly the outgoing kid who transitions well and wants to go to school to meet friends before summer break. We all have to figure out who we are.
Reconnecting. I was able to see some of my dear friends without time pressure. Being close to my aunts, cousins, and in-laws is so comforting. The R's even stayed with us for a few days (post coming soon...) and after they left, Emmett told me "You know mom, it seems like they are more like cousins than just friends." Such true words. I love seeing my familiar neighbors outside. The mountains help me feel secure. I have done some reconnecting.
Watering my roots. One of my biggest complaints about living as an expat was that I did not feel I could let my roots grow. Now, I want to paint walls, hang art on big nails in the wall, and plant flowers. Only because I can. I will get to enjoy it next year. And the next. I want to join a book club. I want to get involved in the kids' school. I want to nurture the relationships that survived 4 years away. I want to explore and enjoy the area around me. I am going to tear up the carpet on the stairs this week...because they are mine and I can. I can get another dog, a bunny, or any other creature I want and I can get really attached to it because I don't have to worry about shipping it overseas. *Chris will be cringing about now...

For now, at the end of our first month back, my only goal is to slow down a little. I have been going way too fast. I will try to enjoy the sunshine, the space, and the familiarity. We'll see how the next month goes.