3 Years. Delft Blauw.

5 years ago it never even crossed my mind.

4 years ago I realized it was imminent.

3 years ago I couldn't think of anything else. 

2 years ago I thought I had made it past the worst year.

1 year ago I tried to come to terms with it all. 

This year I can't believe my mother has been gone for 3 years. What I have learned this year is that grief never really goes away. I don't feel it so often but when it does hit me, it is just as intense as the moment she died.

I wonder if there will ever come a time when the 22 of May will just be another day. 

What I am about to tell you should provide insight into my complete lack of sanity right now and the irrationality that comes along with grief.

I am having a personal battle with some of the things I kept from my mom's belongings. Specifically, it is two pieces of Delft Blauw pottery.

My mom loved these pots. She would get so excited when she found one at a charity shop. I, on the other hand, would roll my eyes at her. For the past 2 weeks I have been trying to make these these two little pots  be perfectly arranged on my fireplace mantel so I can look at them every day and think fondly of my mother. . I have literally rearranged them 20 times. 

A day.

For a week.

The offending pottery:

Ha! It doesn't take a genius to recognize the symbolism of these stupid blue and white pots. They remind me of my annoyance with her, but they also remind me of the simple things that made her happy. A lot of people talk about her love of sunflowers. I see sunflowers now and I do think of her. However, I didn’t know she loved sunflowers until she died. I knew she grew them.

Maybe she  even grew them in blue and white hand painted 

Delft Blauw pots.  

So, after crying a river today and realizing what I have been doing with the pots…I allowed myself to take them off the mantel.  Putting them away, donating, or even smashing them doesn’t mean I don’t miss her. Just like having them perfectly arranged to see every day doesn’t bring her back. 

I will, however, keep this little memento from her stuff…