Nanny.

My little Nanny Goat Gruff was born on 07 August 1996. 6 weeks later, she came to live with us. I was giddy with excitement. She was at my in-laws, and Chelsie was holding her. She was sooooo tiny. Quivering with nervousness. She looked like a tiny little goat with her schnauzer beard! She was incredibly playful. She was really our first child. We treated her like that. She was spoiled rotten! Chris used to drive around town in Greeley, Colorado with her hanging out the window, enjoying the ride. I took her everywhere. School, work, shopping, driving, walking, road trips, even in the cabin on flights!

Here we are...just shy of 16 years later. Her time has come. I kept hearing people say that I would know when the time is right because she would tell me. 

I wished she would just go quietly in her sleep. 

I hoped the signs would be unquestionable. 

I thought it would be a dramatic event. She would stop eating or have a stroke.

The reality is that she has been slipping away from me for several years. 

When I was offered this position in England, one of our criteria for accepting the job was that I had to be assured that we could bring her with us. No Nanny=no overseas. She was part of our family and we wouldn't leave her behind. Well, the vet spent a lot of time checking her over. After bloodwork and several sessions, he begrudgingly decided that she could go. At 14 she was already deaf and her health wasn't perfect. We left her for two months while she stayed at home under "quarantine." I remember being so excited to get her I could hardly sit still (although that isn't unusual for me.) I am not sure if I just didn't realize how old she had gotten, or if she aged several years during our separation...either way I wasn't prepared for the scared, scruffy little dog that was presented to me at the airport. She didn't run to greet me with licks and jumps. She just wandered around dazed and confused. She whimpered. She was terrified. She calmed after we got her home and I discovered that she perked up during walks. She got used to her surroundings and seemed to be content. Old, slow, but content. Last fall, when we went to Oslo, our dog sitter mentioned that she was noticing Nanny's age more now. She was deaf and nearly blind. She slept 23+ hours per day. But, she continued to eat well. She still perked up on her walks. 

There was nothing dramatic. No seizure or loss of consciousness or bowel control. Over the last few months she developed a disorder similar to Alzheimer's. She didn't seem to recognize us when we touched her. When she was awake, she couldn't stop pacing in a counter-clockwise circle. She bumped into things and she was hunched over. She lost so much weight. She got stuck in corners. This week the vet took some blood and gave her some medicine to try to help get more oxygen to her brain. The medicine kept her awake but she was frantic, stressed, and walked in circles for hours. I spoke to the vet and she said there was nothing to try. Nanny had a neurological disease and it is wasn't going to get better. We could keep her sedated and on pain medication. Nothing else. We wouldn't be able to bring back my Nooshy who loved to play, run, and snuggle.

Nanny has been giving me the signs for a long time. I just wasn't ready to see them.

So, today, we let her go.  

I miss you, Nooshy.
I miss watching you lay in the sun for so long you were lethargic.
And seeing you wiggle with excitement every time I walked in the door.
I miss the way you held on to me with your "arms" when you were nervous.
I miss taking long, lazy naps with you.
I miss watching you "go crazy" as you ran around like a nut.
You hadn't done any of those things for a long long time. But, I remember how much fun we had and I am so happy you were part of my life.

Thank you for being my sweet girl.