Remembering Mom.

My mom died two years ago. I can't believe it has been two years. At the same time, it seems like a lifetime ago that I spoke to her. I can't remember her laugh anymore. The harder I try, the fainter it gets. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for a split second I swear it is her. I still occasionally reach for the phone to call her. Once in a while I sort of startle and realize I'm holding my breath. Trying to stop the tears. 

I feel like I have been preparing myself for this anniversary again for months. What will I do? Who do I want to be with? Should I just carry on and work and pretend like it is any other day? In the end, I decided to at least take the day off work. 

I am glad I did. I need to let my grief have a little attention!  My plan? Head to the beach alone, meditate, write, walk. 
The actual event? I said goodbye to Augi as she went on her first overnight school trip, dropped Em at school, and headed to Rendlesham forest with Chris and Phiz...and added a pit stop at Orford Ness and Aldeburgh beach. 

Here are the lyrics to the first song I heard on the radio this morning. 
The words are perfect for describing the feelings I had today. 

"Let Her Go" by Passenger

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

I hate to admit it, but I was really terrible to my mother. I was always grumpy and mean to her. I was hurt and it was easier to be angry. Now that she's gone, I would take it all back in a second to have her back. I would let her be herself. I would tell her I love her. I would enjoy her laugh. Maybe if I did all that she would have gotten what she spent her whole life trying to do. Belong.

Here is a view from our drive today. I have a love/hate relationship with these yellow flowers. (Rapeseed). The fields are beautiful. They make me sneeze.
Either way, this view is unarguably beautiful and calm. 
I like to think this is what it looks like where ever my mom is. 
Peaceful.

 The "Roswell of the UK" was underwhelming. A nice walk, though.

Orford was mucky. No traffic, though. Yummy scones and clotted cream. 

Other than mark the day, I'm not sure I made any progress in my grief. Maybe that's all I can do. Right now, though, I am thinking about my Aunt Lydia. She will join my mom soon. Many of the people who miss my mom are in a lot of pain right now as they say goodbye to Lydia. Lydia was a wonderful support to my mom. I will miss her.