Remembering Mom.

My mom died two years ago. I can't believe it has been two years. At the same time, it seems like a lifetime ago that I spoke to her. I can't remember her laugh anymore. The harder I try, the fainter it gets. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for a split second I swear it is her. I still occasionally reach for the phone to call her. Once in a while I sort of startle and realize I'm holding my breath. Trying to stop the tears. 

I feel like I have been preparing myself for this anniversary again for months. What will I do? Who do I want to be with? Should I just carry on and work and pretend like it is any other day? In the end, I decided to at least take the day off work. 

I am glad I did. I need to let my grief have a little attention!  My plan? Head to the beach alone, meditate, write, walk. 
The actual event? I said goodbye to Augi as she went on her first overnight school trip, dropped Em at school, and headed to Rendlesham forest with Chris and Phiz...and added a pit stop at Orford Ness and Aldeburgh beach. 

Here are the lyrics to the first song I heard on the radio this morning. 
The words are perfect for describing the feelings I had today. 

"Let Her Go" by Passenger

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass

Hoping one day you'll make a dream last

But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark

Same old empty feeling in your heart

'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep

But never to touch and never to keep

'Cause you loved her too much

And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

I hate to admit it, but I was really terrible to my mother. I was always grumpy and mean to her. I was hurt and it was easier to be angry. Now that she's gone, I would take it all back in a second to have her back. I would let her be herself. I would tell her I love her. I would enjoy her laugh. Maybe if I did all that she would have gotten what she spent her whole life trying to do. Belong.

Here is a view from our drive today. I have a love/hate relationship with these yellow flowers. (Rapeseed). The fields are beautiful. They make me sneeze.
Either way, this view is unarguably beautiful and calm. 
I like to think this is what it looks like where ever my mom is. 
Peaceful.

 The "Roswell of the UK" was underwhelming. A nice walk, though.

Orford was mucky. No traffic, though. Yummy scones and clotted cream. 

Other than mark the day, I'm not sure I made any progress in my grief. Maybe that's all I can do. Right now, though, I am thinking about my Aunt Lydia. She will join my mom soon. Many of the people who miss my mom are in a lot of pain right now as they say goodbye to Lydia. Lydia was a wonderful support to my mom. I will miss her.

Someone Replaced my Four Year Old with a FIVE Year Old!

I can't believe he is 5. I am so lucky to be a mother to this kid. Emmett LOVES monsters and anything "scary." So, he wanted a Halloween themed birthday party. Since there are no Halloween decorations to be found in eastern England in May, he settled for Monsters. Emmett is a homebody. He loves to be at home and insisted that his party must be at home. He got his wish!

The Birthday Boy
We made pet rock monsters...complete with a take-home carry case, instructions included. 

 I love a good pinata. However, this sucker was nearly impossible to break open. Jeez. 

 The kids decorated the cupcakes...

 "So, Ava, now that I'm 5...and you're still 7...what do you think about going on a date this weekend?" Em's true love...

 I have wanted one of these silly photo things for ages. My dreams came true (i.e., I made my own.) However, I CAN NOT draw hands. No comments about them or I will lose my mind. Grrr. 

I owe Michelle BIG TIME for helping me with this party. I couldn't have done it without her. She even brought me a sangria later. 

What a true friend! 

The party entertainers/Bouncers

 The guys...

 Em and one of his very best friends...Kate. 

 Monster walking! (and his other bestie...Heidi)

 The no-hands donut eating contest was the highlight of the party. I spy some cheaters!!!

 I have soooooo gotten my money's worth out of this parachute. We get it out at every stinkin party. 

 I didn't know about "Pass the Parcel" until I came to England...you pass a present around until the music starts, then unwrap a layer of paper. The prize in the middle is the best!

 Hungry little monsters!

The party was super duper fun for the kids. Immediately afterwards, I said I wouldn't do it ever ever again. But, now, 2 days post party...I am thinking I will talk Emmett into a SUPERHERO party for next year!!!!! If I start now, it won't be so bad, right? 

Emmett's Last Day of Four

It's birthday interview time! Em answered my annual interview on his last day of 4.

1. Favorite  food: Candy Corn. Great. Corn is a vegetable, right? I know, it's a grain. Same difference.

2. Favorite movie: Scooby Doo. It is fun to see him get so excited to watch the same stinkin' scooby doo episodes that I used to watch. He never guesses who the bad guy is, even though it's TOTALLY obvious.

3. Favorite toy: Magnets, Wind up toys, and Phiz!

4. Favorite Book: Shrunken Head Book. That isn't actually the title. It is a book we have on Ripley's Believe it or Not. There is a section on shrunken heads. Em looooooves to be frightened by that section.

5: Favorite season: Birthday Season! I had to explain to him that "birthday" is not a season. According to him, I am wrong. We had to agree to disagree.

6: Favorite animal: My doggy and hamster! At least he is loyal.

7. favorite song or singer:The Monster Mash. Are you catching a theme here?

8. Favorite color: GREEN!

9. If you could change your name, what would you be called? Jon. I love this. Christmas before last Em wanted a baby doll. When he got it, he immediately called it Baby Jon. Hee hee. John was actually our alternate name for him.

10. Who are your best friends? Heidi. I was glad to hear this. She is an adorable kid.

11. What is something you like about Daddy? He gives me loads of hugs.

12. What is something you like about mommy? She plays with me.

13. What is something you like about Augi? She gives me presents.

14. What is your favorite thing about yourself? I play.

15. What makes you sad? When people are mean.

16. What makes you happy? When people play with me. Ha! See above...he likes that I play with him! I win!

17. What makes you scared? When there are frightening things in movies like bugs and scary people.

18. If I granted you 3 wishes, what would you wish for?

• Everyone to be nice.

• I want to be a grown up so I can do what I want.

• Never let my house on fire. Ooooo boy. This boy has an interest in fire. This is a REAL concern.

19. What is the best / funnest thing you have ever done? Going to the Pirate Smugglers place in Hastings.

20. What do you want to learn now that you are 5 years old? EVERYTHING!

I miss my baby boy, but I love this kid.

Up next? Party like a 5 year old!

Listicles

I have discovered Listicles. I know, I am not always at the forefront of blogging, but I am excited about Listicles. If you are as behind as I am, I will explain. Listicles are "Lists" made into "articles." I don't read magazines anymore (for the most part) for many reasons, which I could "List."  (i.e., I realized that fashion magazines just make me feel 1. poor, 2. fat, and 3. ugly) however, Listicles are always my favorite part of magazines. Things like "Ten things to do this summer" or "12 favorite kid foods." I'd like to start my own Listicle series. It fits me because I love list making! It is such a tidy way to organize my life and blog posts!
My first official Listicle: 10 Things That Make Me Happy (no particular order):
1. Emmett Logic. 
"I have many parts to my stomach. The part that holds my healthy food is all full, but the part that holds my treats still has room."
"There should be 2 school days followed by 2 stay-home days. There are too many school days in a row!"
2. The beach. I could sit on a beach all day. I love to watch the kids play and explore. I love to find hex-stones.The beach makes me think of relaxing, my mother, and donuts!
3. Hanging out with friends. We have some great friends. We usually get together at least weekly and talk, laugh, and eat.
4. Augi's wonderful imagination. I love it when I can hear Augi muttering to herself in the other room, lost in some world of fantasy.
5. Lambs and Piglets. Springtime in this part of England is FULL of lambs and piglets. Every morning I drive to work and have to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road. I pass by field after field of prancing, jumping, and sleeping babies. Just last night our friend Carrie took us on a walk to see piglets. They are so stinking cute. I love the way they jump around and follow their big fat mommy to nurse at every chance. It feels very familiar.
6. The sound of the birds in the evening and morning. I should qualify this by saying that in the spring and summer, the birds will often wake Em at 4:30, therefore I am awake at 4:30. This I DO NOT love. However, I find it really peaceful to lie in bed and hear the birds outside singing to welcome the day. Phiz and I walk most nights of the week. Our 2 mile route takes us through an area where there is a canopy/tunnel of trees. The birds are so noisy that they block out the sounds from the street. It is eerie, yet calm and soothing.
7. One spot at the end of the road where the wind always blows. For several months after my mom died, several times each week, I would go for a run and think and cry, all at once. I am sure I looked ridiculous lopping along bawling, but it was amazing how much better I felt afterwards. Towards the end of my run I would come to a "T" in the road with a huge field in front of me. The wind ALWAYS blows there. It makes me think of the poem my Tia Lydia read at my mom's funeral about the wind bringing love and comfort from my mom. I actually can't remember the name of the poem. I'll have to ask her about it...
8. Christian laughing. Chris doesn't laugh often. Once in a while he will laugh out loud and I love to hear it. I especially like when I make him laugh. I am most often annoying to him, so it pleases me to know that once in a while he finds me funny.
9. Lying in bed reading a book all alone in the house. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to live alone. I spent a great deal of my childhood completely alone. Being alone for a few hours is comforting to me. Being alone for too long is scary.
10. Planning themed parties. I LOVE to plan, buy, think about, and create for birthday parties. I miss having our annual luau back home. It was stressful, but always great in the end.

For the end of this Listicle, here are some photos from April. I know that's the real reason you come here anyway.

A Day at the Beach

We are just a 45 minute drive from the sea. It is so rare to find a good weather day to hang on the beach in England, but the temperature recently "spiked" (note the coats in the pics...) so we joined the rest of England at Felixstowe Beach.